Rumination + Reflection I
My thoughts on heartbreak.
No one tells you what heartbreak genuinely feels like or that you can experience heartbreak from things other than an ended relationship or betrayal. Have you ever watched the person that means the most to you in so much mental agony that they try for a more permanent solution?
Not being able to help them makes you feel like a failure. How could you miss the signs? What could you have done differently? Maybe you should have been there more for them? Did you not tell them you love them enough? How did it get so bad for them that they thought there was no way out?
The questions, the guilt, the hurt are all suffocating. You try to reason with them. You try calling for help. You try everything. You can’t fight their demons. All you can do is watch until they decide that they want help. The irony is that you were the reason they felt that way in the first place. Shocking, right? They said that you made them feel like they were a disappointment. They said that they were tired of hurting you. You made them feel insignificant.
It feels like an ice pick to the heart. The world goes silent. The tears you’ve held back stream down your face as you hug yourself. It hurts so bad you can’t even sob. You can’t even sniffle. Nothing could have prepared you for this. The heartbreak in this case is watching your worst fear actualize.
You were their demon.
You were their demon 😭😭😭 heartbreak makes you demonize yourself
The older I get the more I realise that every heartbreak gives a lesson